A CPE Prayer Candle

Oh the weather outside is frightful ...

source

We are under a tornado watch!  Craziness.  I am very happily tucked away on the couch and thankful I am not floating through spaghetti junction with a group of (undoubtably) unhappy commuters.

I had a wonderful 2.5 mile walk into work this morning!  It started sprinkling about a mile in and I was worried I was going to get poured on, but it never got worse than a heavy sprinkle while I was walking.  I'm not really sure what I would have done if it had started to pour?  I hadn't thought to grab my rain coat ...

In the spirit of cleaning out our cabinets, lunch was tomato soup (Progresso Tomato and Basil) and leftover thanksgiving rolls.

Super classy in a pampered chef soup microwaveable bowl :) - gotta love working in an office!

I wasn't overly impressed with the rolls we got.  They tasted ... crayony?  I don't know how to describe it.  I'm not sure what brand they are, but I think when we get up to Connecticut, I'd really like to make our own breads and rolls.

Wear a Dress Tuesday was hoppin' in our office today!  Kristin told me that she had her first legitimate "this-day-is-starting-out-terrible-so-I-needed-a-dress-to-make-it-better" WADT experience today!  I mean - I'm not happy her day started off badly, but I'm glad WADT helped.

Side Note - You can't tell from the photo, but she was wearing sparkly tights.  Now I want sparkly tights.

Side Note II - Kristin and Sherida (who took the picture) taught me how to do a "Runway Pose" with my leg pointed out.  I feel like they've opened up a whole new world for me.

Back at home and back in the spirit of cleaning out our cabinets, I prepared a gourmet feast of chicken strips and french fries.

Ha!  Real gourmet.

I also realized tonight that there is no way we're going to eat through our condiments and dressings in a week.  Anybody in Atlanta want some ketchup?

Bruce is totally thinking, "WOW my wife is quite the cook!"

(Yes, I was sitting on the floor photography my food when I took this picture.  Why do you ask?)

***

Okay, onto something a little bit more serious ...

I was doing a little bit of packing after I got home from work and I came across something that I literally haven't moved since June.

Let me back up.  About three weeks into CPE, I experienced probably the most traumatic on-call I had throughout the entire summer.  I really can't get into details on here, but for many reasons this hit home and I basically prayed my way through the sleepless night, counting down the hours until the other chaplains would check in the next morning.

I'm not sure how I drove home after that shift.  One second I was getting in my car and leaving the parking garage and the next minute I was walking into my apartment.  I laid down to take a quick nap before meeting a friend for lunch and ended up falling into a deep, but restless sleep, full of flashbacks of my night.  I was so tired, but every time I closed my eyes, I would literally see myself back in the SICU, watching my patient, sitting with her family and listening to the sound of machines beeping.

My supervisor told me PTSD-like-symptoms are normal after traumatic on-calls.  Normal or not - it was scary.  My heart and prayers go out to chaplains doing this as their lifetime careers.

When I finally woke up around 6 p.m. that day (yeah, I missed lunch), I opened my eyes and saw this ...

When Bruce got home, I asked him what it was ...

"It was my prayer candle for you last night.  I didn't know what else to do.  It stayed lit all night."

If I haven't said enough to convince you that I married the most amazing man in the entire world, I hope this pushed you over the top.

When I got the page that this patient was being flown in, I knew I wouldn't be getting any sleep that night.  I called Bruce sobbing in anticipation of what I was going to experience, but all he could do was assure me that I was competent and that I would be okay.

We texted a couple of times throughout the night as I was running back and forth between the Surgical Floor, SICU and ECC (Emergency Room).  Eventually Bruce went to sleep, telling me he wished he could do more for me.

That night was one of the longest nights of my life.  I don't really know what happened between the time Bruce went to sleep and the time I left the family for morning report.  It's all kind of a blur at this point.  A few weeks later, the patient's dad sent me an email thanking me for all I had done for them.  He called me their angel of mercy.

I don't think it was me.  I think whatever strength I was emitting that night came from the candle.

When I picked this up this afternoon, some of the wax started to peel off and I knew that it wouldn't make the move.  So I grabbed my camera, took these photographs and decided to preserve this memory on my blog.

It's hard to get rid of stuff like this.  But I know the memory will always be there.  The memory of that family, of their precious daughter, of all of my patients from the summer and of the support I had from my friends, family and colleagues, even when I was walking the walls of the hospital alone.

Goodnight all.  Thanks for reading.

Ezekiel 12

So, are you wondering how I spent my first official post-CPE day?

With a 5:45 a.m. wake up call and a 10 hour work day.  Boy, do I know how to unwind ... 

In all seriousness, the office that I worked in for three years during graduate school offered to hire me back for the time being.  Things are busy there right now (hence the 10 hour day, but that won't be the norm), but eventually I'll be able to work part-time there and be home part-time to focus on getting ready for my ordination interview, finishing my ministerial profile and starting the search & call process.

I came home and knew I needed a long walk.  The weather is FINALLY starting to look more bearable (meaning it only reaches the low 90's) and there was a pre-storm breeze blowing while I was out, so I was able to really relax, pick up my pace and explain to God that I need some clarity in my life. :)

Speaking of Grady (oh, we weren't?), I wanted to share some of the photos I took of the chapel on my last day ... 

Ten Commandments

Jesus, God, Saviour

Prepared altar

The ceiling above the pulpit

Opened to Ezekiel 12, but I'm not sure why

Intricate woodwork

The organ that I may or may not have let a patient play one Sunday afternoon when I was at the hospital by myself.  

I'm leaning towards may ... 

I cannot believe the words that are about to come out of my mouth ... but I think I miss it.  I am grateful to be where I am right now, but I am also grateful for an incredible experience.

***

(Tomorrow is Wear a Dress Tuesday!  E-mail me your pictures!)

Last Day.

Last night's twitter update:

It's August 13th.

I never thought this day would come.

And to be quite honest - as relieved as I am to be finishing up today, it is bittersweet.  I have made some amazing friends and been apart of an incredible ministry.

I have a feeling I might cry today.

Thank you for taking this journey with me.  I love you all.

Peace,
Sarah

Check Another One Off The List!

I just got home from another on call - I had a busy afternoon, but relatively quiet night until 3:45 a.m. when I shot awake to the sound of a code blue.  Not the most pleasant sound to wake up to!  I was going to come home and go for a run, but the humidity level is like 150% and I'm exhausted.  It's back to bed for this chaplain!

Have a great weekend!
Sarah

And Down the Stretch They Come! (Of a Half Marathon?)

I have been trying really hard not to.

I really, really have been.

But I'm starting to.

I can't help it.

Tomorrow marks two more weeks until CPE is over.  Can you believe it?  It seems like just yesterday I spent my first day on the floor, contemplating how in the world I could quit CPE and still manage to be ordained.  I believe I sent Bruce a text around noon that day, which said:  "I will be home around 10:00 tonight.  At that point I will need to cry."

And now I see light at the end of the tunnel.  It's weird.

I'm trying not to count down the days for several reasons.  First of all, I need to stay focused at the task at hand.  I need to be a chaplain.  I have two more on calls and I am going to need to be especially present and focused during those times.  The spiritual needs of patients, families and staff won't decrease just because I only have a few days left.

Second of all, I haven't fully come to terms with the fact that come August 14th, I won't really have anything to do.  The last seven years of my life have been structured by my education.  During the year my focus was school.  During the summer my focus was work or internships.  Now my job is to finish working through my ordination process and start looking for a job.  Unfortunately, it's not a simple or a fast process.  So there is definitely an in between time of waiting, being patient and trusting the process.

Easier said than done.  I don't do well without structure in my life.

I was thinking about this yesterday and had an idea.  Enter ...

... the Thanksgiving Day Atlanta Half Marathon.

What do you guys think?  Should I go for it and start training?  The way I see it, registering for a half marathon would accomplish two things.  One, it would give me a tangible goal that I can be in control of.  Two, it would give me an outlet to deal with the anxiety that comes with looking for a job.

My only concern is that I still don't have any cartilage in my right knee - but I'm fairly confident that I can slowly build up my miles and strengthen my legs so I'm not pounding on my knees.  13.1 miles is kind of daunting considering the fact I haven't run more than a mile and a half in over three years - but I think it might actually be fun to create a training schedule and trust a different kind of process.

Should I do it?  Any Atlantans want to do it with me?

4 Day Weekend! (ish)

My goodness - usually after a night on call, I'm on here much quicker than this!  That being said ... I survived another night on call!  In the grand scheme of things, the night really wasn't that bad (although, I did call Bruce crying after I finished up with one family - have I mentioned how wonderful he has been this summer?).

I came home and immediately changed and took a walk.  The heat index was supposed to be well over 100 today and I wanted to get out and back before it at least hit 90.  I had some errands to run afterwards, but have pretty much been hanging out at home trying not to melt ever since!  I'm heading to church soon for a fundraiser - I can't wait, all of the weekend on calls have kept me from church and I miss everyone!

I realized this week that I had only used one and a half of my five comp days for the summers - three and a half left!  I looked at my schedule and figured out when I could take off.  One of those days is this Monday (!), so (including my recovery day today) I have myself a nice four day weekend!  I definitely need it.  I plan on trying to find the perfect balance between productive cleaning and lazy relaxing.

TGIF everyone!  First weekend in weeks I'm not on call - YAY!

Day of Rest

I survived another 26 hour on call!  Man - I don't know how these residents have done this all year.

Thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone who commented and sent messages after my last post about dreams.  It is helpful not only to be told that I'm not crazy for having strange dreams (or at least that I'm not alone), but also to know that I've got such a wonderful community of people supporting me and praying for me on this journey.

The worst part about Saturday on calls is that they are looooooooooooooong.  The best part is that when you leave on Sunday you have all of Sunday to recover and then Monday off as well (as opposed to Sunday on calls when you leave Monday, have the day to recover and then have to be back on Tuesday).  So I'm off to be completely lazy (and totally proud to admit it, ha).  Have a wonderful Sunday!

Dreams

I've always thought that dreams were more of a thermometer than a thermostat - they don't predict what is going to happen, but they are a pretty good indicator of what is going on.

When I first started CPE, I had a feeling that the experience was going to be similar to what I imagined it would be like to run a marathon.  There would be times when I would love it, there would be times when I would hate it, there would be times when I would be running on adrenaline and there would be times when I was just completely exhausted.  I would be happy when it was over, but also happy that I did it.

The other night I had a dream that I was running a marathon.  In the dream I was refusing to look down at my watch, not wanting to know how long I had been running (subsequently knowing how much time I had left to run).  I was having a great time, really getting into my groove and feeling like time (and miles) were ticking by when I decided I would look at my watch.  In my dream I thought that I would have been running at least for 3 hours (if I were to train, I could probably run a marathon in 4 hours).

I looked at my watch.  I had been running for 30 minutes.

For some reason, that dream really freaked me out - but I think it rings true about where I am in CPE right now.  The first couple of weeks were filled with orienting myself to the process, being scared of on calls and dealing with what all of my new experiences meant.  Every day there was something new and something to break up the day.  The time flew by.

Now I'm into it.  I've seen a lot of truly horrific things.  I have sat with individuals and families during tragedies and traumas.  If you had told me about some of calls I've been on before I started, I wouldn't have believed you.  It's starting to wear on me.  In addition to the marathon dream, I've had weird medical dreams.  Sometimes they pertain to me, but sometimes my friends and families are in them as well.  They are weird and unsettling and I don't like them.

I feel like time is starting to drag - and every time I look at my calendar I feel like I did in the dream when I looked down at my watch in the marathon.  I'm not as far along as I feel like I am.  It's frustrating and hard and making me anxious.  I don't want to go into "survival mode" but I feel like that's where I am right now.

I hesitate to post this, because I don't want it to seem like a pity party and I don't want people to worry about me and think I'm falling off the deep end - but I do want to be honest about how I'm feeling.  I'm in the middle of an intense program and it's not easy.  My reactions are normal and there is an end in sight.  I would love any prayers as I turn the corner and finish out the summer (hopefully!) strong.

Thanks friends,
Sarah

Recovery and My Blog Mid-Unit Evaluation

It felt amaaaaaaazing to sleep in today!  I didn't even set an alarm(!).

I spent most of the day doing lots and lots (and lots and lots) of laundry, watching mindless TV and working on Bruce's blog.  Check it out - Outfitted For Life - it chronicles his fishing and other outdoor adventures.  Also feel free to pass the link (http://outfittedforlife.blogspot.com) around to anyone you know who likes to fish, hunt, hike, etc.  He's still figuring the whole blogging thing, but I think he's starting to like it. :)

***

Thoughts on CPE - My Blogging Mid-Unit Evaluation

Last week I had to turn in a Mid-Unit Evaluation to my CPE supervisor and talk about it with my peer group.  There were certain questions I needed to answer, so I thought it might be fun to write a mid-unit evaluation that a little less topic-restricted for the blog.

(Did I just say this would be fun?  Good grief, I need to get out more.)

My CPE journey started here, where I reflected on what I understood CPE to be and what I hoped it would do for me.  The night I got home from my first day I posted my initial thoughts.  In a way, those thoughts were actually kind of naive - which I realized the day I toured the hospital and saw patients for the first time!  It's been 42 days since this journey started and what a journey it's been!  Here are some of my thoughts on CPE now that I'm halfway through:

- I really like continual ministry and hate that in hospital chaplaincy there is often not a lot of relationship building and follow-up.  Usually I'm thrown into someone's life during a really traumatic time and it's hard to know things about them that might be important and helpful as I offer care.  There's a lot of 'making it up as I go along' - though I suppose that's ministry in general.  I hate that once patients and their families leave the hospital, I don't know what happens.  I know that ministry isn't about me and my sense of closure, but that's where I'm at right now.

- I much prefer the day-to-day rather than being on call.  I hate the isolation of an OC shift.  Even during the day when I'm still making calls by myself, there is still that safety net of knowing I could call someone in if I needed them - and knowing that as soon as the call is over I can go back to the lounge and process with someone else.  Being alone is scary and I don't like it.

- On a similar note, I can never fully 'relax' when I am on call.  In the back of my mind, I am always anticipating the pager going off.  I wish I could just shut that anticipation off and simply jump into chaplain mode when I need to - but I haven't figured out how to do that, yet.

- There needs to be a required course on humility in college. For the past six weeks, I have made mistakes, gotten lost around the hospital and fumbled through calls. I was hard on myself and frantic when that happened.  I wonder if any of this would have been different if I hadn't convinced myself that I HAD to have all of the answers right away and just asked more questions. Let's face it - no one is perfect. Let's not pretend we are or (even worse) that we have to be.

- I still love my peer group.  They are phenomenal chaplains and I am grateful for the lessons they are teaching me - both about ministry and about myself.

- My supervisor rocks.  I wish that every single person who reads my blog had someone so incredibly insightful to advise them.

- The other day my clinical supervisor asked me if I wanted to apply for residency at Grady for the upcoming year (meaning I would start the Monday after I finished my internship).  I'm not going to lie - I considered it.  I already know the system, it would give me some more time with my ordination process and even though the salary isn't a lot, it would still be more than I am used to making.  I talked to Bruce about it and he looked at me like I was crazy.  I talked to my dad about it and he said, "Don't you want to find a nice church somewhere?"  I stopped considering it.  Then I talked to some of the other interns about it and they all indicated they were considering applying for residencies after they finished seminary.  Then I started considering it again.  Then I started thinking about WHY I was considering it.  And I came to a very important conclusion:  I am considering it because I am a people pleaser.  I want to be good at everything I do.  I don't want to admit that - while I may be a competent and even somewhat good chaplain - I just don't like it enough to want to do it full time for a year.  Ugh.  Then I started to get angry at myself because I don't like admitting defeat - and in my mind, not loving chaplaincy enough to want to do it for another year is defeat.  THEN (wow, this is a long thought) I realized something important - something very, very important.  I am going to be a phenomenal church pastor - that is what I feel called to do, that is what I am trained to do and that is where my heart is.  And that's okay.

42 days down, 32 to go!

***

If you want to read all of my CPE-tagged posts, click here.  My recovery day is almost over, so I'm going to shut down, put away some laundry and spend time with my wonderful husband before I crawl into bed.

Have a good night and sweet dreams!
Sarah

Tired Ramblings

I survived my 26 hour Saturday on call!

The day itself was fairly quiet - I had a few calls, but nothing that took very long.  I decided around 11:30 that I was going to go to bed, started to drift off around midnight and my pager went off at 12:15.  Of course.  I made my way to the call, which lasted around 45 minutes.  By the time I got back to the lounge, logged the call and settled myself down it was 1:30.  I fell asleep and was dreaming soundly when I was jolted awake by the pager at 4:15.  This call lasted around an hour and a half, so I got back and napped for about an hour before it was time to wake up and get ready for the Sunday chaplain to arrive.  So I think collectively I might have gotten around four hours of sleep (which was fairly normal for me in college - how did I ever do that?!).

I couldn't leave the hospital until after the 9:30 worship service, which meant I was on the road around 10:10.  I flew home, changed my clothes and Bruce and I headed up to church for an 11:15 meeting.  By the time I got home at 2:00 I was sooooo tired but also equally hungry (I had only eaten a granola bar all day even with the calls in the middle of the night) so I made lunch and then crashed for two hours on the couch in front of the World Cup.  It felt so nice to sink into my own couch without a pager right next to my ear!

We have pretty much spent the afternoon and evening relaxing and cleaning.  A friend of mine came over tonight and we baked a delicious fruit pie (recipe and pictures to come!) and now we're watching NCIS reruns and blogging (yes, Bruce's blog is up and functional! - I'm still fighting with the layout so I'll share the link soon, I promise).  It really was the perfect way to spend a post-call day.

One of the nice things about being on call on Saturday is that your "recovery" day is Monday.  So even though I was technically recovering today, I still have tomorrow!  I plan on watching the Today Show and drinking coffee in bed, doing enough pilates until the muscles I don't know I have hurt and catching up on some blogging and blog reading.  Come back tomorrow and I might have more than the ramblings of an overtired chaplain, ha.

I hope you all had a wonderful weekend!

Date Night

Bruce took me out tonight for a surprise date night!  We went to an American-inspired Spanish Tapas restaurant and it was increddddddddible.  This, for example, was my dessert ...

Raspberry, Mango and Passion Fruit Sorbet covered in White Chocolate drizzled with Chocolate.

Amazing.

I'm on call tomorrow - 8 a.m. Saturday through 10 a.m. Sunday (yes, if you do the math that's 26 hours ... I try not to do the math) - say a prayer for me!

Quick Post and a Prayer Request

First of all - you all rock.  Thanks for the messages and sweet words yesterday.  I am feeling so much better today.  It's amazing what a good night's sleep and conversation, reflection and processing with my peer group can do.

Oh - and barbeque.  The other interns and I decided we deserved it and stopped for lunch after our group meeting.

Yesterday was our HALFWAY POINT!  37 days down, 37 to go.  Actually, today it is 38 days down, 36 to go.  I cannot believe it - this program is really flying by.  I had planned on doing a "halfway" post yesterday, but then the day happened and I just didn't feel like writing much.  I'll try to do one this weekend - it'll be fun to look at my "initial thoughts" from six weeks ago.

***

This is going to be quick, because I'm hoping to get a second good night's sleep, but please pray for my Aunt Jane.  My parents were having a family picnic last weekend for the holiday and they had to bring her to do the hospital with severe stomach pain/attacks.  They thought she had appendicitis, but it ended up being some other strange lower gastro-intestinal thing.  She had surgery on Sunday and has been in the hospital ever since.  Her recovery has been slower than they hoped and I know she is frustrated.  My uncle is still staying with my parents (they live four hours away) and I cannot imagine how hard it is for him to be back and forth from an unknown house to an unknown hospital.

Thank you, friends!

xo
Sarah

Apparently Being a Cat is Harder Than Being a Chaplain

I survived another night on call!  I had a fairly quiet day, a busy evening and then returned from my last call around 1 in the morning and was able to get roughly six hours of sleep.

Yesterday was my last Sunday on call for the summer.  I ended up with two and they fell back to back during the first half of the summer.  I hate to say this, but I'm honestly glad that my Sundays are out of the way.  The Sunday OC chaplain has to plan both Sunday worship for the hospital chapel in the morning and then for the psychiatry floor later in the afternoon.  The Saturday OC chaplain is still technically on call during the morning worship, but I was always so worried that the pager would go off during afternoon worship with the psychiatry patients and I would have to interrupt the service to respond.  Luckily that never happened - but it was still always in the back of my head!

Since I was able to get some sleep last night, I didn't need a nap when I got home.  I decided instead to eat some breakfast and pull out my pilates DVDs.  The DVDs that I have are broken into 20 minute workouts - and for some reason I had the bright idea to do two of them this morning!  It felt great and I needed the extended workout, but I am already feeling it in every muscle in my body.

The thought crossed my mind to stay inside and clean all day, but then I realized that I walked into the hospital at 7:45 Sunday morning and didn't leave until 9:00 Monday morning.  I needed some fresh air - so I went to the pool!  I totally underestimated how hot it is here - I spent two hours in the sun and then promptly came inside and slept for two hours.  Hot Sun + Busy On Call = Much Needed Nap for Sarah.

I really should be honest with you all.  I had myself completely psyched out before this last on call.  I actually teared up before I left and Bruce had to reassure me that things would be okay.  I desperately didn't want a day/night as bad as last week and I hate the feeling of being so alone when I'm the only chaplain at the hospital.  It's something that I'm working on, but I'm not sure that I will ever be completely comfortable with it.  I have no control over what is going to happen!  I don't know how the residents have done this all year.  Knowing that CPE is only 11 weeks long (and that I only have nine on calls total) has kept me calm when I start to freak out.  Thank you for your continued prayers - I feel less alone because of the wonderful support network that I have!

And because you know I don't like a post without pictures ...

You would have thought SHE was the one on call last night.

Barnes and Noble Date

It's Thursday night.

Good Lord, I didn't think the end of this week would ever come.

I - along with the rest of the CPE interns - had IPR group this morning.  IPR stands for interpersonal reflection, which apparently is supposed to be a time where we deal with the issues that we have with one another.  The only problem (if you consider this a problem, I'm not sure that I do) is that we've only known each other for four weeks and so far we all get along really well.  There are no real problems to hash out.  So this morning I took it upon myself to complain about the fact that they keep pushing back the opening of the dolphin exhibit at the Georgia Aquarium.

I think it's safe to say that your group is solid when they only thing you can find to complain about is a dolphin exhibit.

Anyway, we have these group meetings off site, didn't so we get to the hospital until almost 1:00.  We ate lunch together and then I was able to get a couple of visits in before I left for the day.  I'm starting to feel a little bit more comfortable in my role, which is kind of a relief!  When I started four weeks ago, there really were points when I was regretting my decision to accept such a difficult placement.  I'm starting to feel a little bit better about it now (but still find myself taking deep breaths a LOT, ha!).

On my way home I called Bruce and asked if he wanted to go to Barnes and Noble with me tonight.  Tori Spelling's new book, Uncharted TerriTori, just came out and ... well ... I had to buy it.  I can't help it.  Books like this are my vice.  And I love Tori Spelling.  Please don't judge me.

Bruce agreed and we ended up having a really fun time.  I found my book pretty quickly, but we actually wandered around for about an hour and a half.  Bruce is on a yoga kick right now (I think that deserves it's own post), so at one point, we settled ourselves into the fitness / diet / lifestyle section to find a good book on yoga.  We've got some DVDs, but we'd love to build our own workouts and want to read up on it a little bit more.  I hopped over to Starbucks while Bruce paged through the books to grab a treat ...

Nothing like eating world's largest cookie while surrounded by on how to get into shape!

I know I should go to sleep as soon as I hit "publish" on this thing, but I really want to start reading!  Maybe just the first chapter ... ? :)

This One is Too Funny Not to Share

I was down in the burn unit this afternoon to check on a newly admitted patient and see how their family was doing (I had heard from the OC chaplain last night that there were a lot of family members milling around when the patient was admitted).

I checked in with the Sr. Staff Nurse and she offered to introduce me to the family.  We walked into the room and she introduced me to the patient, his father and his uncle as the chaplain.

The patient's uncle looked me up and down, took a deep breath and said loudly (with a heavy southern accent):  "Well, you're the prettiest chaplain I've ever seen!  They didn't make them like that like when I was younger."

When I got back to the chaplaincy office I told my supervisor that I wasn't sure if I was supposed to be offended or flattered.  It was 3:45 on Friday afternoon.  I chose flattered.

TGIF y'all.

The Five Year Old in Me

When I was five-years-old, I was part of a graduation ceremony at my nursery school.  All of the graduates walked onto a wooden bridge and said their name, favorite color, favorite food and what they were going to be when they grew up.  Most of the kids in my class wanted to be police officers, fire fighters, teachers, moms and dads.  Here's what I said:

My name is Sarah, my favorite color is blue, my favorite food is macaroni and cheese and I'm going to be a minister when I grow up.

Tomorrow I finish my third week of CPE.  Can you believe I'm that far into it?  I can't.  It seems like just yesterday I was getting ready for orientation.  The program is 11 weeks long, meaning I am about a quarter of the way through.

That is insane.

A lot of the reflections that I am making I don't necessarily feel comfortable sharing right away.  I promise I will when we get a little further away from the cases I am reflecting on.  But every day I am learning so much - about myself, about ministry, about people and about life in general.  

In my weekly reflection paper that I turned in to my supervisor a few days ago, I talked about pastoral authority.  It feels weird for me to be doing CPE now, at a time in my life when I am scraping together the last couple of requirements for ordination.  Pastoral authority seems just out of reach to me right now.  I'm waiting patiently for that time-honored tradition of the laying on of hands.

And yet - in the hospital - I do have pastoral authority.  When I walk into someone's room, I am their chaplain.  I minister to them.  I'm their minister.

Who knows if my 5-year-old proclamation about vocation was actually a call into ministry.  But it is amazing to think that 20 years later, this is what I'm doing.

And I love it.  I really, really love it.

In the Name of Whoever I Represent to You - STOP!

The title of this post really has nothing to do with anything, only it came out of conversation that made me giggle out loud.  This morning we were having a staff meeting and the question came up, "What is the chaplain's role if they come across someone trying to escape from the hospital?"  Considering the fact that pastoral authority really means nothing when it comes to restraining someone (picture me running after someone waving a bible in the air, pleading for them to stop and you'll see my point), we all found the conversation entirely more entertaining than it probably should have been.  We also try to be extremely sensitive to the multi-religious needs of a hospital in a place like Atlanta, so we never make assumptions about what God looks like when we are talking to staff, patients and their families.  Hence the part about, "In the name of whoever I represent to you," which just kind of added to the element of humor.

Or maybe theological humor really isn't humorous at all.

Or maybe I'm just a dork.  Jury's still out.

SPEAKING of being a dork - let me tell you all how my morning started.  First of all, I rolled over at 7:00 a.m., 15 minutes before I usually leave.  Whoops.  I leapt out of bed, but I am pleased to admit that I was showered, dressed, grabbed both breakfast AND lunch and still had time to kiss my husband before I left at 7:20.  Impressive, right?

So I get to the hospital at 7:40 and went into the lounge.  I could see the OC chaplain's sunglasses and iPod, but she was nowhere to be found.  I opened up the chapel and started to put my stuff away when I heard the code blue going off.  Because I didn't have the pager, I wasn't supposed to respond, but 30 seconds later the phone rang in the lounge.  I answered and it was the OC chaplain, asking if I could respond because she was dealing with something else that she really couldn't get away from.  I looked sadly at my not-yet-drunk coffee, grabbed my keys and headed towards the elevator.

I got in the elevator, hit 7 and made small talk with the other people riding.  Everyone else got off at 5, so I waited while the doors closed, I rode up further and the doors opened again.  I headed out of the elevator and down the hall.  And then I realized something.

I was on the 6th floor.  Not the 7th.  The elevator had stopped at 6 and I just assumed we were up on 7 and got out.

Sigh ... 

I did a 360 on my heel and headed back to the elevator.  I rode up to the 7th floor, checked to make sure I was ACTUALLY on 7 and headed towards the ICU.  I asked the staff member who sits outside of the unit if she knew where the code was and she told me which room it was in.  I headed towards the double doors of the ICU and crashed directly into them.

Like - literally.

Here's the thing - I was trying to get into an ICU.

All ICU units are locked.

I need to buzz myself into them with my card in order for the doors to open.

Well - I forgot.

"Umm, you have to use your card to get in." I heard the woman say.  I thought that was generous, considering she was probably thinking to herself, "What a freaking moron."

"Oh yeah, thanks!" I laughed awkwardly, then whipped my card out like the old pro that I am (insert sarcastic eye roll here) and strutted into the unit like I'm completely competent.

What can I say?  Chaplaincy should only happen after my first cup of coffee.

I think this can also safely be filed under, "Moments in my life where I would like a do-over."

Random Musings

Alternatively Titled:  I apologize in advance if this post has no theme, flow or structure.  It was a long day.

My day was mostly educational today.  I'm trying to find my rhythm in terms of seeing patients on my floor for long periods of time and not having that time broken up by meetings, didactics or office administrative stuff, but so far I haven't been successful.  I'm hoping I will kind of fall into one over time.  We'll see.

Oh - have I mentioned that I've been assigned a floor?  So now in addition to being part of the medical team during a code blue, wearing a pager, having a hospital ID and having a card that buzzes me into every room in the hospital I can now walk up to the unit clerk on my floor, say, "Can I have a census report?" and get handed a sheet of paper with all of the patients on my floor listed.  It's kind of strange to have pastoral authority.

***

When I get dressed for Wear a Dress Tuesday now, I have to think in terms of how my pager and phone are going to be attached to my body.  It limits me to skirts and I'm having serious dress withdrawal.  Although - after two weeks at a Level I trauma center - I realize that this is not a tragedy.  So here was today's WADT outfit ... 

I have three things to note about this picture:

1. Bruce took this at 8 p.m. while we were under a severe thunderstorm warning.  The lighting was terrible, so I had to set the ISO at 1600 and it's kind of grainy.  Ew.

2. The past two weeks I've had Bruce take a picture of me in the morning before I left for the hospital.  Bruce rode his bike to work this morning, though, so he was gone before I was ready.  I'm realizing now that I'm less photogenic after a long day at the hospital.

3. I am holding Pretzel M&Ms.  Oh myyyyyyyy.  Do yourself a favor - go out and by some.  You will not regret it.

Wanna play along?  Send me your pictures!

<center><a href="http://sarahelizabethkeck.blogspot.com" target="_blank" title="The Strength of Faith"><img src="http://i822.photobucket.com/albums/zz147/sarah_weaver_2009/th_WearaDressTuesday.jpg" border="0" alt="Wear a Dress Tuesday" /></a> <center></center></center>

***

My awesome sister - after listening to me cry about figuring out how to transition into hospital chaplaincy - ordered me two books and they both were delivered today!  Both books are by Pema Chodron - Start Where You Are: A Guide to Compassionate Living and When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times.  I cannot wait to curl up in bed and read them!

***

A nurse looked me up and down yesterday, turned back to her computer and said, "You look too young to be a chaplain."  I'm not sure what to do with that - other than to suggest that she get her eyes checked since she clearly missed the ikea-sized bags under my eyes.

Actually I didn't do that.  I responded with an awkward, "I get that a lot" and then told a story about how I never brought a bible to class in seminary.  Don't ask.

I will tell you this.  That conversation is now filed under, "Moments in my life where I would like a do-over."

I fear there are going to be a lot of those this summer.

First On Call and White Water Rafting

I had my first OC (on call) at the hospital last night.  I got to the hospital around 4 p.m. and the other chaplains left around 4:30.  Apparently it had been an absolutely crazy day and I was preparing myself for a night of little sleep.

Right after everyone left, I headed up to one of the ICUs to touch base with the staff about a patient from earlier.  My clinical supervisor had gone to the gym and had come back to his office, so when I got back from the MICU I talked to him for a few minutes and we both wished each other restful evenings (me with the pager, him with his two year old).  I settled in on the couch of our lounge with some articles for my didactics next week and season 10 of Friends, hoping to relax and maybe even nap a little bit before the night got busy.

Funny story ... the night never got busy.

Actually, it wasn't so much funny as it was ... eery.  My pager never went off.  There were no code blues.  Not even a non-urgent voicemail asking for a chaplain to stop by.

Creepy.

Although - my theory with hospital chaplaincy is that if no one is calling me in the middle of the night, that's a good thing!

You would think that with no calls I got a good night's sleep, but it actually took me awhile to fall asleep.  I was convinced that as soon as I fell asleep I would get called out.  Then I woke up every hour and obsessively checked my pager.  I finally just got up at 6.  The chaplain OC today didn't believe me when he came in this morning and I told him how quiet my night was!

I got home around 9:15, quickly changed and Bruce and I headed up to Duckville, TN to go white water rafting with some friends from church!  (We did this last year too!)  Let me tell you - as I was frantically paddling through class three and four rapids down the Ocoee River - I was happy to have gotten ANY sleep at all last night!  The cool thing about this year was that Bruce bought an underwater case for our flip camera!  I literally just hooked the camera into my PFD (personal flotation device - apparently they are no longer called life jackets) and we were good to go!  Bruce actually took the flip at one point while we were relaxing on the calm part of the river and jumped into the water with it!  And the camera is completely dry - I would recommend anyone with a flip who spend time near water getting a case like this.

Oh - so the point of that story was to tell you that we took some video and I'll try to get it uploaded soon!  I wasn't filming while we were going through the rapids (I was trying to stay in the raft help my team members get through the rapid safely), but hopefully I got some fun footage.

We got home around 5:30, took a looooooong nap and now are just hanging out and nursing our rafting wounds.  The day was totally worth every sore muscle, twisted knee and bruised leg (and yes, I'm almost ashamed to admit I am nursing all three of those, ha).

Tomorrow is our anniversary - I can't believe it's already been a year!

This time last year we were saying good bye for the night ...

The next time I saw him I was walking down the aisle!

The Day Where Time Simultaneously Stopped and Flew By

I had my first call to the children's hospital this morning.  It was very, very difficult.  Those of you with babies - hug them close tonight.  Life is precious.

When I left the children's hospital and headed back to Grady, I thought I was doing okay.  I sat in on an interdisciplinary team report on the HIV/AIDS floor, accompanied one of the residents as she went to pray with the food service employees and attended midweek worship.  I ate lunch in the lounge with the other chaplains.  I pulled out my notebook and started noting some of the key points of my children's hospital call.

As I got further into my notes, I started to feel really anxious.  I didn't understand the anxiety - the only thing I had planned for the rest of my day was an hour-long individual supervision with my educational supervisor.  By the time I would be finished with the meeting, it would be time to leave.  I didn't have the on call pager - I wasn't on call tonight.  Why was I anxious?  I think I was just more affected by the call than I initially thought.  Combine that with the fact that we interns were assigned our own floors today and I had the perfect recipe for heart palpitations the inability to remember how to breathe properly.

I felt better by the time my supervision rolled around.  I walked in expecting to go over the verbatim that I had been working on the other night.  I asked her if I was supposed to read it out loud and she said no, she had read it that morning.  She asked me about a really strange detail of the case and then kind of turned the paper over and looked at me.

"So tell me about your anxiety," she said.

Crap, I thought to myself.  It's going to be a long meeting.

For the next hour, we talked about my anxiety.  We talked about what it was like in college, how I changed my lifestyle to become a healthier overall person (body AND mind), how I am affected today by it and how it might affect my summer.

I didn't think it was okay to admit that my natural instincts to get anxious were going to cause me to approach my unit of CPE differently than other people might.  I didn't think it was okay to admit to my clinical supervisor, "I'm not sure that I can handle that floor right now."  I didn't think it was okay to say, "This is really hard for me - and I need to take a minute."  I thought that I needed to compare myself and my approach to CPE the way the other interns (and residents) do.  I thought that I needed to be perfect.

I was putting unrealistic expectations on myself.

I'm working on it.

My supervisor also reminded me that I've never done anything like this before - and that Grady isn't a normal hospital; it's not even a normal trauma center!  It's one of the largest hospitals in the country and things get absolutely crazy once in awhile.  "It's countercultural" she told me - I had never thought of it that way before.

At the end of our meeting, I told my supervisor that I felt bad saying that I was only doing CPE because it was a requirement for my ordination.  This program is making me a better pastor and I appreciate that.  She looked at me, smiled and said, "Sarah, I won't be offended if you hate CPE."

And for some reason, that made me feel so much better.