For Everything There is a Season

I have to be honest.

I'm terrified of CPE.

Don't get me wrong - I think I am as ready as a person can be when they enter this program.  I have a fantastic education that has given me the tools that I will need in the clinical setting.  I try to be humble and am going to walk into the program knowing that I do not have all of the answers, hoping to learn as much as possible.

But still - in the middle of all of this, I am going through a lot of changes in my life.  I am done with school for the first time in - well - 22 years.  My job - which was connected to my status as a student - is over.  This morning I was authorized and commissioned to be a chaplain - something I am not sure I am ready for.  When I finish this program, I do not know what is next.  I will not have a job - I will start looking in September after my ordination process has been completed.  Our next move (literally) hinges on when I get a job - and where I get a job.  We do not know where we are going to be living in a year.

Okay, phew.  So - kind of a lot going on, right?

I expressed my concern to Bruce the other night.  His response?  "Didn't you preach a sermon once on living in the in-between-times?  You said you're supposed to trust God, lean on your community and pray through your anxiety and fear."

I hate it when people use my sermons against me.  It's not nice.

That night I got to thinking.  I have never liked transitions - EVER.  In fact, in 2008, I blogged about how I was dealing with some of the transitions going on in my life.  I said that transitions are like waterfalls - no matter how much you prepare for them, there always comes that point where you have to go crashing down.  And no matter how big of a splash it might make - eventually the water always settles out.  And when you step back and look at the WHOLE waterfall - it's beautiful.

Hold that thought.

Last night I was having a hard time falling asleep, so I started reciting Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 out loud.

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:

a time to be born, and a time to die;

a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;

a time to kill, and a time to heal;

a time to break down, and a time to build up;

a time to weep, and a time to laugh;

a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

a time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together;

a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing

a time to seek, and a time to lose;

a time to keep, and a time to throw away;

a time to tear, and a time to sew;

a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

a time to love, and a time to hate;

a time for war, and a time for peace.

This is one of my favorite passages in the Old Testament.  I have it on my right sidebar on my blog.  It reminds me that - even in the hard times (actually, especially in the hard times) - everything has its time.  But eventually there WILL be a time to build up, to laugh and to dance.

Transitions have their time.  But the anxiety isn't permanent.  I repeated this verse three times out loud before I finally fell asleep.

***

My alarm went off this morning at 6:00 a.m.  I had my first orientation session for CPE.  I don't actually start at the hospital until June 1st, but I had an orientation session with the accrediting center to go over some of the educational (non-clinical) parts of CPE.  As I drove to the center, I was singing Turn, Turn, Turn under my breath.

For everything there is a season.

The orientation session started at 8:30 with a commissioning service for the student interns.  I looked at the cover of the bulletin and did a double take.

Waterfalls.

And they are beautiful.

The service started with an opening prayer and was followed by a short meditation.  At the end of the meditation, the chaplain preaching read a poem written by a CPE student in Pennsylvania.  "The poem," he said, "is based off of Ecclesiastes 3:1-8."

My heart started to pound.

For everything there is a season.

***

This is a scary time in my life.  But it is also a really exciting, beautiful time.  And sometimes I may need to remind myself that - through all of the anxiety, fear and unknown - there will be a new season of calm, joy and safety.

And that is the beauty of life.