I'm terrified of CPE.
Don't get me wrong - I think I am as ready as a person can be when they enter this program. I have a fantastic education that has given me the tools that I will need in the clinical setting. I try to be humble and am going to walk into the program knowing that I do not have all of the answers, hoping to learn as much as possible.
But still - in the middle of all of this, I am going through a lot of changes in my life. I am done with school for the first time in - well - 22 years. My job - which was connected to my status as a student - is over. This morning I was authorized and commissioned to be a chaplain - something I am not sure I am ready for. When I finish this program, I do not know what is next. I will not have a job - I will start looking in September after my ordination process has been completed. Our next move (literally) hinges on when I get a job - and where I get a job. We do not know where we are going to be living in a year.
Okay, phew. So - kind of a lot going on, right?
I expressed my concern to Bruce the other night. His response? "Didn't you preach a sermon once on living in the in-between-times? You said you're supposed to trust God, lean on your community and pray through your anxiety and fear."
I hate it when people use my sermons against me. It's not nice.
That night I got to thinking. I have never liked transitions - EVER. In fact, in 2008, I blogged about how I was dealing with some of the transitions going on in my life. I said that transitions are like waterfalls - no matter how much you prepare for them, there always comes that point where you have to go crashing down. And no matter how big of a splash it might make - eventually the water always settles out. And when you step back and look at the WHOLE waterfall - it's beautiful.
Hold that thought.
Last night I was having a hard time falling asleep, so I started reciting Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 out loud.
For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:
a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
a time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing
a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to throw away;
a time to tear, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace.
This is one of my favorite passages in the Old Testament. I have it on my right sidebar on my blog. It reminds me that - even in the hard times (actually, especially in the hard times) - everything has its time. But eventually there WILL be a time to build up, to laugh and to dance.
Transitions have their time. But the anxiety isn't permanent. I repeated this verse three times out loud before I finally fell asleep.
***
My alarm went off this morning at 6:00 a.m. I had my first orientation session for CPE. I don't actually start at the hospital until June 1st, but I had an orientation session with the accrediting center to go over some of the educational (non-clinical) parts of CPE. As I drove to the center, I was singing Turn, Turn, Turn under my breath.
For everything there is a season.
The orientation session started at 8:30 with a commissioning service for the student interns. I looked at the cover of the bulletin and did a double take.
Waterfalls.
And they are beautiful.
The service started with an opening prayer and was followed by a short meditation. At the end of the meditation, the chaplain preaching read a poem written by a CPE student in Pennsylvania. "The poem," he said, "is based off of Ecclesiastes 3:1-8."
My heart started to pound.
For everything there is a season.
***
This is a scary time in my life. But it is also a really exciting, beautiful time. And sometimes I may need to remind myself that - through all of the anxiety, fear and unknown - there will be a new season of calm, joy and safety.
And that is the beauty of life.
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