Anxieties

When I was a sophomore in college, I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder.  It kind of blew my world - I had to make decisions about medicine, therapy, whether I was going to finish the semester I was mid-way through at Ursinus, and then whether I was going to go back after I took the second half of my second semester off (I was able to finish out two of my classes through e-mails and occasional meetings).  Things were going really well for awhile.  After a summer of therapy and a new outlook concerning my eating habits (less coffee - more vegetables) and exercise, I went back to school for two more years at Ursinus.  I felt amazing.  I planned and executed a cross-country road trip, my grades went up, I applied and got into to amazing graduate schools, I worked too many hours and slept too little hours, I went to some of the most incredible conferences and met and fell in love with the most perfect person for me.  All that being said.  Since then - with the move to Atlanta, moving in with Bruce, the two of us trying to figure out life on our own, dealing with distance, a new school, new demands, engagement, traveling, merging families, etc. etc. etc. - transitions took over and life has gotten a little bit more difficult.  Last semester my anxiety started to come back.  This semester, I'm DETERMINED to not let it bring me down.  But sometimes it's hard.  There is just a lot going on in my life right now and sometimes it all just seems like too much.

That being said - I thought I would just list out of the anxieties that scratch the surface of my life every day.  I figure - maybe if I put them out there in cyberspace, perhaps they would either get lost (along with some undelivered e-mails) or possibly spread out and disintegrate - far away from me.  I also thought that perhaps if these anxieties were out there, those of you reading who are the praying type could keep me in your prayers as I work through this phase in my life.

So - here they.  It's time for me to release these anxieties!!

- Wedding planning ... I put this first not because it's the most important but because it's an umbrella for so many other things.  And it doesn't matter how many people tell me that they're willing to help or do what I want - the fact is, planning is stressful.  I'm thinking about too many things, trying to please too many people, trying to keep track of the details and worrying about what this is going to cost.

- School ... LTJ has made me terrified of New Testament.  I'm not even in his class anymore!!  But I NEED to make up for last semester, and that thought absolutely terrifies me.

- In Care guidelines / Ordination ... Can't I just jump ahead to the summer/fall of 2010 and be ordained and called into a church (God willing!!)?  I'm trying to stay on top of the process but it's a complicated one and I'm far away from my church and my C&M committee.

- Life Post-Atlanta ... This sort of goes along with ordination.  Bruce and I aren't interested in staying in Atlanta after I graduate.  There just aren't the opportunities for either one of us.  Bruce is just making things work for the time being, but it's not ideal.  But - then what?  We can't move until I find a job.  What if the process takes a long time?  Should I look for something part-time until I get called somewhere?  What if there is a hold-up in my ordination?  When will my Ecclesiastical Council be?  And moving costs money - a savings account would be nice.

- Speaking of Money - MONEY!! ... With everything else that is going on, my budgeting skills have plummeted.  This is not a good thing to let slide when you're in school and Bruce is the only one working full time.  I don't know how people live on one salary.  It's impossible.  Not impossible - but frustrating.

- Bills ... Can't they just pay themselves?  It's not that the money isn't there (one way or another) I just hate doing it.  And then I start thinking about money.

- Relationships ... They're just hard.  I'm not pointing at one over another.  They're all hard.  Close - distance - in between.  They're hard.  And with everything else going on, communication is often difficult.

- Families ... This sort of goes under the category of relationships.  But Bruce and I aren't close to our either of our families (Jen lives 6-7 hours away in Ormond Beach, FL.) and that is really hard.  We're getting married soon and merging families and this is really hard to get ready for when we're so far away.

- Church ... I can't see the beginning and I can't see the end.  I'm not a parishioner but I'm not a pastor.  Seminary has me wobbling somewhere in the middle.  I can't be an official member at Pilgrimage but I can't be an affective member in Kent.  I can't make a long-term commitment to either church.

- My Apartment ... It's not as clean as I would like it to be.  And yet I blog rather than clean.  Sigh ... 

- Neal's Deployment ... I know, I know, Neal - You told me not to worry.  But how can I not?

God take these anxieties and watch with me as they dissipate.  Hold and comfort me.  Strengthen me and walk with me as I regain my strength.  Amen.