Thursday, June 3, 2010


Well ... I survived my first day with patients.

Sort of.

I didn't actually see any patients alone.  During the day I toured the entire hospital (grandiose doesn't even begin to describe this building) and after 16:30 (I'm practicing my military time) I was shadowing one of the residents with two other interns so I did a lot of nodding and looking sympathetic.

So it's not like I still have any idea what it is going to be like all night by myself.  But I least I did something other than sitting in a conference room and listening to the worst case scenarios and thinking all in hypothetical terms.

There were also moments when I was convinced the day would never end.  There were many points today that my anxiety skyrocketed, that my legs started to shake and that my heart started to pound like crazy.  I got choked up / teared up a lot; at one point I texted Bruce and said "I'll be home at 10:30 tonight - I'm going to need to cry."  There was one point during the day that I decided I was going to quit and was just going to beg my Church & Ministry Committee to ordain me without CPE (ha, right).  Towards the end of the day I was telling myself I needed to call the person (ahem, Max) who said to me, "When you do CPE go somewhere where people die" and curse him out for telling me this was a good idea.

But ... I'm home now, blogging from the comfort of my couch.  Bruce met me at the door with a strawberry peach smoothie with fresh cream, double stuffed oreos and a card that made me cry (although today it doesn't take much, apparently).  Luckily I am doing educational stuff all day tomorrow so I won't be at the hospital at all.  I actually have an assignment due tomorrow at 9 a.m. that I haven't started yet (oops) so I'm going to wrap this up and get going on that.

Thanks for all of the prayers, friends.  I really feel them working through me.  I feel like this summer will be like running a marathon - there are times when I will hate it, love it, feel a high, feel exhausted, want to scream, want to cry and can't help but smile.  I will be glad when it's over but (hopefully) happy that I did it.

I really really cannot express how appreciative I am for everyone who has been reading my ramblings and checking in with me.  If I don't respond to your text or message, know that I am just a little overwhelmed right now, but I am reading everything and feeling so unbelievably loved and supported right now.


  1. I've been thinking about you all day, hoping it was a great day for you. I'm sorry it was so emotionally draining. At least you have a sweet supportive husband waiting at home for you :) I hope tomorrow go by quickly and then you can enjoy a nice relaxing weekend!

  2. CPE is really tough. But hang in there! I'm completely confident that you can handle it. Trust me, the things I learned in CPE have been invaluable in the church... even if it's painful going through it. I'll be praying for you (and your group, though I don't know them) all summer!


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