Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Cry Me a River ...

I've decided that Tori Spelling and I are very similar. Granted, I didn't grow up with money, my parents let me chart my own course (perhaps even when they should have stepped in - particularly when it came to choosing my own clothes at a young age) and I've never been in a TV show or movie (unless you count being an extra for Mr. Deeds, but that was only because the entire band was there and I'm not even sure you can see me - maybe if you paused it and looked really carefully). But I was watching Tori and Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood last night and it occurred to me that Tori Spelling has so much love and compassion in her heart. She genuinely wants other people to love her, she's not naturally good at communicating verbally and she doesn't like that, and she's an over-achiever. She's also very emotional - I've been watching Tori and Dean all season and she's broken down or cried during most (if not all) of the episodes so far. Granted this probably has to do with the fact that she's pregnant and also that it's a reality show, meaning the producers create a plot based off of footage, but I don't think you can cover up the fact that she is full of emotion. And sometimes I feel like I'm the same way. I've cried a lot lately. It's an emotional time - school is over, so I'm finally processing some of what went on this year, and what still is to come before I can be called to a church, I'm engaged and planning a wedding, my parents moved into a new house and I haven't been able to visit them since then, and Bruce's job has us both stressed out.

Poor Bruce has had to deal with me for a lot of my break-downs. I think it used to bother him when I would start crying - he would want to fix it SO badly. But now he reacts differently. He just holds me. He knows he can't fix everything, but that he can be there to hug and hold me and remind me that I'm not alone in the world. I think he's starting to find my emotions endearing, actually.

I've spent a lot of time in my life trying to move past all of my emotions. When I'm in survival mode, I have a tendency to tell myself "this will be better when this happens, that happens, this is over, this starts, etc." I don't think it's a bad way to look at things - when you're at a low point in your life, sometimes you need to remember that just around the corner is a new day - and that you're going to survive. But I do think that there comes a time when you just have to take a deep breath and embrace your emotions - something I'm starting to do.

I bought a yoga mat last weekend. When I had a meltdown in college, I tried different kinds of exercise. I tried tae-bo tapes, yoga, pilates, biking, running, walking. Some were more effective than others, but I found that I really liked pilates, particularly a set of DVDs that I had. So I did them religiously for awhile but have since stopped. I bought a yoga mat in the hopes of forcing myself to do pilates four or five times a week and do AM yoga when I really just need to stretch and clear my mind. Hopefully by taking this small step I'll start to gain back some of the energy that I had when I was spending a lot of time exercising. I don't have as much time to exercise as I used to but I'm going to make time - even if it's just 20 minutes for a DVD series. I'm going into the ministry - I need to minister to myself while I'm in seminary so I don't enter a congregation empty and drained.

Does this mean that I'm going to grab hold of and control my emotions? Doubtful. Does this mean that I'm going to start crying? Probably not. But I am going to start living through my emotions, not allowing them to define who I am, but allowing me to define how I am going to handle them.

And I'll keep watching Tori and Dean ... I need reassurance that I'm not alone in my emotion-filled life!!

With Peace,

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