Cry Me a River ...

I've decided that Tori Spelling and I are very similar. Granted, I didn't grow up with money, my parents let me chart my own course (perhaps even when they should have stepped in - particularly when it came to choosing my own clothes at a young age) and I've never been in a TV show or movie (unless you count being an extra for Mr. Deeds, but that was only because the entire band was there and I'm not even sure you can see me - maybe if you paused it and looked really carefully). But I was watching Tori and Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood last night and it occurred to me that Tori Spelling has so much love and compassion in her heart. She genuinely wants other people to love her, she's not naturally good at communicating verbally and she doesn't like that, and she's an over-achiever. She's also very emotional - I've been watching Tori and Dean all season and she's broken down or cried during most (if not all) of the episodes so far. Granted this probably has to do with the fact that she's pregnant and also that it's a reality show, meaning the producers create a plot based off of footage, but I don't think you can cover up the fact that she is full of emotion. And sometimes I feel like I'm the same way. I've cried a lot lately. It's an emotional time - school is over, so I'm finally processing some of what went on this year, and what still is to come before I can be called to a church, I'm engaged and planning a wedding, my parents moved into a new house and I haven't been able to visit them since then, and Bruce's job has us both stressed out.

Poor Bruce has had to deal with me for a lot of my break-downs. I think it used to bother him when I would start crying - he would want to fix it SO badly. But now he reacts differently. He just holds me. He knows he can't fix everything, but that he can be there to hug and hold me and remind me that I'm not alone in the world. I think he's starting to find my emotions endearing, actually.

I've spent a lot of time in my life trying to move past all of my emotions. When I'm in survival mode, I have a tendency to tell myself "this will be better when this happens, that happens, this is over, this starts, etc." I don't think it's a bad way to look at things - when you're at a low point in your life, sometimes you need to remember that just around the corner is a new day - and that you're going to survive. But I do think that there comes a time when you just have to take a deep breath and embrace your emotions - something I'm starting to do.

I bought a yoga mat last weekend. When I had a meltdown in college, I tried different kinds of exercise. I tried tae-bo tapes, yoga, pilates, biking, running, walking. Some were more effective than others, but I found that I really liked pilates, particularly a set of DVDs that I had. So I did them religiously for awhile but have since stopped. I bought a yoga mat in the hopes of forcing myself to do pilates four or five times a week and do AM yoga when I really just need to stretch and clear my mind. Hopefully by taking this small step I'll start to gain back some of the energy that I had when I was spending a lot of time exercising. I don't have as much time to exercise as I used to but I'm going to make time - even if it's just 20 minutes for a DVD series. I'm going into the ministry - I need to minister to myself while I'm in seminary so I don't enter a congregation empty and drained.

Does this mean that I'm going to grab hold of and control my emotions? Doubtful. Does this mean that I'm going to start crying? Probably not. But I am going to start living through my emotions, not allowing them to define who I am, but allowing me to define how I am going to handle them.

And I'll keep watching Tori and Dean ... I need reassurance that I'm not alone in my emotion-filled life!!

With Peace,
Sarah

Let's Get Out of This Town ...

It's been a week full of up and downs.

Bruce and I decided to live the Carrie Underwood song, "Get Out of This Town" last weekend. The Fourth of July was last Friday and, surprisingly enough, the dealership was closed and Bruce had the day off. He was lucky that this Friday off happened to coincide with with his Saturday off (he has every other Saturday off) so we decided to get away for the weekend. We drove down to Florida to visit Jen, Tim, RT and Lauren. It was the first time we had been down there since either of us had been engaged so we got to celebrate on both ends. Bruce and I always seem to be more exhausted leaving than arriving when we got to visit them - they cram so much into a day!! We got in late on Thursday night and woke up Friday, took the motorcycles to Jen's friend Carol's house to drop some stuff off and then to Tim's dad's lake house for a Fourth of July picnic with his family. His family is always very hospitable and his dad remembered us from Easter and was happy to have us back. Their lake house is beautiful - because of the conservation bill placed on the lake, the twelve existing houses around the lake will be the only houses to ever be built there, so it was really quiet. We were really the only people with boats out. Bruce and I learned how to drive jetskis!! It was the first time I had ever been on one but Jen and Tim were really good about riding with us and explaining to us how to drive them and then they let us go off on our own. At one point Bruce's jetski ran out of gas so he dropped it off at the dock and then hopped on with me. We switched drivers out in the middle of the lake so Bruce could teach me some of the "tricks" he had learned and he ended up flipping me off into the water!! And there were gators in the lake!! It was funny, though, I didn't mind - it made a fun story to tell. Tim also took us out on the boat later on as the sun was going down - it was a beautiful sunset. The next day RT took Bruce to the beach to teach him how to surf and Tim, Jen, Lauren and I went riding. Other than a guided trail ride in Arizona in college and a couple times around the ring last January, I hadn't been on a horse since middle school. Needless to say I was a little rusty - but I didn't want to hold anybody back so I held on tight!! I had fallen off the jetski the day before so I was bound and determined to stay on King!! I did stay on, though, and Lauren was really helpful when it came to how I was sitting and how relaxed I was, etc. Every time we cantered, she would ride behind me and call out suggestions for how I could sit better and it made me a lot more comfortable. Once I got more comfortable on King, I had a lot more control when we were cantering. And I stayed on!! The next day we went to the Flea Market, which was a lot of fun. I tried on a diamond ring that was worth more than a year's tuition plus room and board at Ursinus!! I will NEVER own something like that but it was fun to just try it on. Bruce and I also bought some cool pottery stuff that had come in from Mexico. All in all - a fun trip, but we were definitely exhausted at the beginning of the week.

I came back to Atlanta to Vacation Bible School at the church. I knew there was no way I would have the energy to drive to Marietta all week and then still go to work so I opted to go to VBS two days and then still try to get at least four hours worth of work in. That seemed to work pretty well. This was the first VBS in a long time that I was really a follower and didn't have a lot of participation in the planning process. That was very strange for me - I'm not used to taking a backseat when it comes to things at the church. I'm in a very strange position right now, church wise. Because I'm in school in Atlanta, I can't be as active as I would like at the First Congregational Church of Kent - it's hard to make meetings when I'm 16 hours away!! But because Kent is sponsoring me as I walk through the In Care process I have to maintain my membership there, which means I can't become a fully active member at Pilgrimage. It's frustrating because I really want to be ordained in my home church - I owe it to the people who knew I was called to the ministry long before I knew or acknowledged it myself. But while I'm on one of the most crucial stages of my journey I can't be fully involved in a church the way I would like to be, or the way I'm used to being. I think I can become an associate member at Pilgrimage, but I think that only gives me voice without vote and that's a frustrating position to be put in. Sometimes I hate the politics of the church!!

I've also been spending a lot of time talking to my parents while they finish up their move to Kent and get their house in Gaylordsville ready for the renters. This was such a good move for them and I know they made the right decision. It still, however, is really hard to be so far away from them while they're doing this, relying on pictures e-mailed to me when they have the chance to see the progress. I wish there was more that I could be doing. I didn't think that, a year into my living away from home and after four years away at college, that I would be missing CT so much - it's not home, but I still miss it. I think once I see the house I won't feel so sad about not being there, but it's just hard right now. But I'm still so happy for my parents and this new stage of their life that they are embarking on.

On a sad note, I heard word today that Jen's yorkie, Tank, died yesterday. It's SO awful. He was such a wonderful dog with such a great spirit and I loved to watch him play with all of the other dogs. Jen loves her animals like they are children and I know this must be so incredibly hard for her. I wish there was more I could do.

I guess I continue to think: "I wish there was more that I could do." I suppose I'll always be saying that. In an effort to spread my wings, and experience life in a new place, I've had to leave behind some of the places and people who are so close to my heart. But I pray that my time in Atlanta will be well-spent, and that my thoughts and prayers will be with those that my physical presence cannot be.

With Grace,
Sarah

Let's get out of this town tonight

Nothing but dust in the shadows

Gone by morning light

Somewhere we won't ever get caught, ever be found

Baby, let's just get out of this town

-Carrie Underwood, Get Out of This Town

With Pride

I had the honor and the privilege in attending a wonderful worship service on Sunday morning.  Pilgrimage United Church of Christ, an Open and Affirming Congregation of the United Church of Christ, joined the celebration, the remembrance and the fight of thousands around the country with a Pride Sunday service.  Together, members and visitors of PUCC joined in hearts, voices and prayers as we remembered the strife of the GLBTQ community, celebrating the small victories along the way, and were empowered to continue to be advocates for change and equality.  It was a wonderful service.

Bruce and I had never experienced a service like this before.  At various points throughout the service we looked at each other and kind of mumbled that what was going on would not have gone over very well in our home churches.

I've learned a lot about the UCC since I've been in Atlanta - and what I've learned hasn't come from polity classes or books (that will come eventually).  I've learned from the people that I've worshiped in church with, the members of a relatively young congregation.  Pilgrimage UCC was founded in 1978.  At 30 years "young" it is a much greener congregation than the churches that Bruce and I grew up in, churches whose membership includes people who have been members much longer than Pilgrimage has existed, people who were members before the merger that gave birth to the UCC in the 1950s.  Pilgrimage isn't a congregation that agreed to take part in a merger that was going on in the wider church, they are a congregation that consciously decided to become part of the United Church of Christ and what they stand for.  I think (and I don't know this for sure) that there are more churches in the south who joined the UCC after the merger than in the north.  And that is a different UCC to be apart of.  There is a different kind of pride - pride of who we are and what we stand for.  There is a feeling that we are underrepresented which only means that we need to speak louder, longer and with passion.  It's an incredible community of people.

I don't know if I'll stay in the south after I graduate.  As much as I feel at home at Pilgrimage UCC there is still a strong part of me that feels like I'm a northerner, through and through.  But hopefully with grace and courage I'll be able to bring the pride that I've experienced at PUCC back north with me - or wherever I go - after I graduate.

With Pride,

Sarah